Another You
Photo by Michal Nevaril on Unsplash
Recently, a friend asked me, “Why do we care so much when someone we know gets hit by tragedy, but not when it happens to strangers? A colleague’s child suddenly and tragically died and our whole team came together to do what we could to support her. I felt so sad and my heart went out to her. Yet, every day in the news I read about others who lose their children, and I don’t feel the same way. What are the degrees of separation before we no longer feel compassion for someone? Would I feel the same if it were my colleague’s cousin’s son who died suddenly?”
Although the answer to these questions may be complex, research shows that we can extend our sense of closeness and care for others beyond those we know. I have found the following methods helpful for deepening my sense of connection and empathizing with and feeling concern for strangers and sometimes even enemies. Like any exercise or training we do, our capacity to feel compassion towards others grows the more we do it.
While these techniques come from the Buddhist contemplative tradition, they can be practiced by people of all faiths and none with similar results: a slow, steady growing sense of connection with our fellow human beings. See how they work for you.
1. Don’t waste the opportunities that arise in everyday life to cultivate compassion
A teacher told me: “When you see a story in the news about a person or group of people struck by tragedy, don’t brush it off! Let the swift upbrush of compassion arise in your heart. Don’t let yourself get distracted or look away. Stay with the pain it causes in your heart and allow it to transform and open into compassion.
Take the urgent wish you now feel that this person be free from suffering with you into your day. Allow it to open your heart and inform the way you look at the world.
If you do this, you will have kinder eyes and ears that will enable you to see the sufferings you encounter in your day and be inspired to do what is possible, in that moment, to help. We may not feel we can do anything useful for the person so far away, but we can use their suffering to awaken in us a more tender and generous heart that is willing to open and see suffering. This can be helpful.”
2. Practice seeing other people as another you.
So often our care and love gets blocked, even when we want to be of benefit. We might be in a hurry or be dealing with major deadlines or other work stress; we may feel the problems are insurmountable; we may not have the skills to communicate honestly and in a loving way; we may be tired or hungry or just in a bad mood; we may be afraid of being rejected due to relationship histories; we may hold unconscious biases or grudges that we’re not aware of. The causes of compassion blocks are numerous. Nonetheless, the following exercise can help us begin to break down and melt these barriers.
The Practice of Seeing
Others as Another You
Take a moment to allow your mind to settle and relax. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Bring to mind someone you know or a stranger you have seen (like a clerk at a store). Imagine this person is there, in front of you now. Consider the following, taking time to pause and rest. When you’re done, note down any insights you gained and any changes you feel in your body and mind. Take these insights with you into your next activity. Once you get the hang of it, change the words to make the practice more meaningful for you.
Imagining this person in front of you, think:
1. This person has a body, just like me.
2. This person experiences pain and illness, just like me.
3. Just like me, this person has days when they are in good moods and days when they are in bad moods.
4. Just like I do not want to be treated injustly, this person also experiences pain, frustration, anger or sadness when judged, harmed or mistreated.
5. Just as I want my friends and loved ones to be safe, so too, this person wants only what is best for their loved ones.
6. Like me, this person may have made mistakes and regret things they’ve done or said. They may have wanted forgiveness for something, just like I have needed forgiveness at times in my life.
7. Just like me, this person may sometimes get embarrassed. Or maybe they might get hurt or agitated or feel defensive when others say unkind and hurtful things to them, just like me.
8. Just like me, this person may feel lonely or confused at times, and long for the kindness and support of friends or to be understood.
9. Just like me, this person may have or have had dreams and wishes they want to fulfill.
10. Just like me, this person enjoys any opportunity they have to feel peace and happiness.
11. Like me, this person wants happiness and does not want to suffer.
Let go of the thoughts and rest and relax for a moment. Then, extend a heartfelt wish for this person, such as thinking the following:
May this person have happiness and the causes of happiness.
Allow yourself to get creative and use your imagination. You could imagine this person receiving money, reliable transportation or medicines they need, or you might imagine this person being surrounded by caring friends or family members. You do not need to know what this person needs. Simply allow yourself to imagine the person receiving kindness and care. The point of the practice is to loosen the barriers that prevent us from connecting authentically with other.
