Empathy Is Not The Answer
What do you see in this picture?
What do you feel?
What’s the story here?
How do you see yourself in this story?
What we see depends on our perspective. This, in turn, depends on a whole host of things that make us who we are. Our lens is shaped by our age, race, education level, nationality, gender, vocation, political ideology, socioeconomic status, personality traits, interests, values and more. Of course our perceptions are sometimes at odds with those around us!
When we are under a lot of stress, it’s really hard to think about different people’s points of view. Why? Because it takes mental energy to do it. When we don’t have the energy, or when we don’t care, we fall back on our mind’s default setting: “us” vs. “them.”
COVID-19 is a perfect stress point. If we are not on the front lines ourselves—facing the sick and dying as health care workers or risking infection to perform essential services—we may be worried about our family members and friends, our economic security, and the state of our country. We are bombarded with images of suffering daily in the news and on our screens.
We are wired to connect with others. But then when we are exposed to visible signs of others’ suffering, why do we tend to harden our hearts and become cold and indifferent?
The answer lies in how our brains actually process painful images.
Our brains let us stand in another person’s shoes. That’s cognitive empathy.
Our emotions allow us to feel another person’s suffering. We cry when our friend tells us she has cancer.
If we stop here, we are simply stuck in pain.
Empathy alone is not enough.
When we show people a picture of someone who is suffering, their brain scans look similar to the brain scans of the people whose suffering they are witnessing. Witnessing pain can feel the same as experiencing pain firsthand.
COMPASSION is the way out.
Compassion is a state of readiness. It makes it possible to be our highest selves in any situation. Compassion allows us to know we will help when the opportunity arises.
How do we cultivate compassion?
We cultivate compassion by extending lovingkindness toward all those who are suffering—those we love, like, barely know, don’t know, dislike, and even hate. It widens our circle by acknowledging our common humanity with people whose perspectives we can’t even begin to understand. Compassion is knowing that all beings want to be happy and avoid pain. They are just like me. They are just like you. They are us.
When your fear touches someone's pain it becomes pity;
when your love touches someone's pain, it becomes
compassion. To train in compassion, then, is to know
all beings are the same and suffer in similar ways,
to honor all those who suffer, and to know you are
neither separate from nor superior to anyone.—Stephen Levine (One year to Live)
Now, look back at that first picture…
What do you see?
